16 9 / 2011

Fantasy football may be a thing of the past. I think it’s time to start a new fantasy league called: Celebrity Cell Phone Leaks. Points would be dispersed by various categories:

Naked Video: 50 points
Naked Photo: 30 Points
Enticing Photo: 20 Points
Embarrassing Photo: 10 points
Unappealing Photo: 10 points
Pointless Photo: 10 points
Incriminating Text Message: 10 points
Regular Text Message: 5 points
Address Book: 5 points

Of course there would be a few variables that could be taken into scoring consideration, ie – how they handled it, are they married, how it leaked etc… Also, this wouldn’t be a league for just celebrities but we could toss politicians and athletes in the mix too… Basically any public figure, we don’t discriminate in this league.

If this league were an actual thing Scarlett Johansson would just have scored 30 points and she just joined the conversation with about 30 other people in the past year. In case you don’t keep up with the leaking’s of celebrity photos then you wouldn’t know that 2 days ago Johansson’s naked body hit the web. She took two pictures of … well you can see for yourself.

According to Johansson this was a hacking on her phone and she’s been in contact with the FBI for months. I believe her. In most cases I would resort to thinking that she slipped up and nobody hacked her. To be honest I actually feel very bad for her and any other person who gets hacked. Your personal business is your personal business.

There has to be a solve to this, right? The obvious solve is to not take the pictures, and I think that’s the knee jerk reaction from the public. But that’s not the solve, it can’t be. It’s no fun. DON’T LISTEN TO THE PUBLIC, PLEASE KEEP TAKING PICTURES.

A letter to the Hackers:

Dear Hackers,

Stop ruining it for everyone. Please let these people slip up on their own and allow them to send pictures of themselves to their ex’s after a long night of drinking. The ex will then accept the picture and not think anything of it for about a week, but ultimately the ex will then send it to a friend or post it on the Internet after another night of drinking.

If you keep on hacking cell phones then people will (God forbid) stop taking pictures. Not to mention, you potentially hurt my future Fantasy Celebrity Picture game. If you want to do us a favor, be cool and hack Starbucks online system and change the prices of coffee for a day… or something like that. Stop ruining things.

Always and Forever,

Josh


What’s to make of all these pictures floating around? I’m wondering if the cell phone naked picture is going to be the new porno. I feel like the celebrity porno kind of died out, and I’m willing to bet at this current moment in time if you were to ask someone with a high profile to make a porno they would immediately deny. But, if you take pictures of them via cell phone… that’s still doable, is this going to change?

God I hope not.

Can we please just take a step back and dive deeper into this: What I think is great about leaked pictures is that the pictures we see are the pictures that are SAVED on the phone. We all know there were about 10 pictures before the saved ones that were deleted, so what we’re looking at, assuming they took the picture solo, is how they feel best. These naked pictures are essentially how they’d want to look if they were in playboy. Any time you see a leaked naked photo you have to say to yourself: “They think they look really good.”

So what’s in store for Johansson, what are the repercussions of taking a photo? Well, it changes depending on who you are:

If you’re a Sports Athlete: Tons and Tons of shit from teammates and fans, not to mention crying fans under the age of 13 (Brett Favre, Greg Oden).

If you’re a Politician: Donezo. Send out a naked anything of yourself and you aught to hope that you have any resemblance of some sort of career as this basically strips you of all credibility. If you’re lucky you’ll be able to have a show on CNN. (Anthony Weiner).

If you’re a Celebrity: Basically nothing negative can come from it UNLESS you’re in a relationship and the picture isn’t intended for your significant other. The reality of the situation is that nudity actually can make you more popular. The poster child for this is Kim Kardashian. Prior to Keeping Up With The Kardashians the only screen time Kim had was on millions of men’s computer screens. If you’re a musician and nude photo’s come out then you’re earning street cred. So, in the Johansson case, she has nothing to worry about. Johansson can say hello to the laundry list of celebrities that have done this same exact thing.


The other reason SJ is going to be okay is because seeing a celebrity nude has become such common place that I’m not too sure how much anyone really cares about this. Technology has once again paved the way for things that were one time uncommon to completely common. In my expert naked picture prediction I think that this will all blow over before you can say What is Scarlett Johansson’s next movie?

And just for shits and giggles below is a list of Public Figures that have been caught with questionable cell phone pictures… not to mention they would all be great for either a starting position or on the bench for Fantasy Celebrity Cell Phone Leaks.

Side note: Maybe Vegas should start betting on who will have pictures next. (Do it Vegas).

Brett Favre
Anthony Weiner
Ron Artest (What!? Seriously)
Paris Hilton (No duh)
Kardashian (See Hilton)
Tito Ortiz
Chris Brown (“Look at my picture or I will beat your ass”)
Christina Aguilera (figures)
Vanessa Hudgens (When she’s floating from the limelight we’ll probably see another one… coming soon.)
Brittney Spears (Does her getting out of a car flashing no underwear count? No)
Scarlett Johannson
Miley Cyrus
Jessica Alba
Selena Gomes
Demi Lovato
Blake Lively
Rihanna (See Chris Brown)
Ka$ha
Ali Larter
Busy Phillips
Tm Cruise (Just Kidding… can you imagine… eh, shit, horrible mental image)


There are too many… that’s just 0.3% to name a few….

  1. thejoshford posted this